Love and Stress

by Joseph Shaub

These days remind me of the popular and apocryphal Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” Questioned sources aside, one cannot doubt that, as Bobby Kennedy said those 35 years ago, “Like it or not, we live in interesting times...”

The lives many of us have so carefully constructed - conceived in an era of extraordinary prosperity and security - are likely to be subject to stresses and challenges we couldn’t even imagine only a year ago. Homes and Rahe, in their seminal research of 1967 ranked so-called psycho-social stressors by their perceived intensity and they ranged from “Death of spouse” (with a mean value of 100), through “Divorce” (73), “Being fired at work” (47); “Bankruptcy” (39) and “Outstanding personal achievement” (29) to “Traffic ticket” (11). In all, there are 43 items on Holmes and Rahe’s “Social Readjustment Scale.” Being the victim of a bioterrorist attack is not on the list. The Seattle Times and CNN assure us that we aren’t in the Clinton 90's any longer.

An axiom among mental health professionals is that the greater your collection of psycho-social stressors, the more likely you are to experience symptomatic distress. Such distress will be characterized by one’s own idiosyncratic reactions to stress. Some of us become depressed and withdrawn. Others may experience heightened anger, focusing their ire upon those who work or live with them. Symptoms of high stress response may also include diffuse mental functioning (“spacing out”); workaholism; increased substance use or other forms of escapism.

In moments of personal insecurity or discomfort our natural tendency is to “circle the wagons.” Sadly, and too frequently, our spouses or intimate partners - the people who are closest to us - are placed outside the perimeter of our protective walls. This is particularly true for lawyers. The more highly functioning we are in the world - the more practiced at self sufficiency - the more likely we are to isolate when facing personal challenge. Right at the precise moment we find ourselves in need of connection, we distance ourselves for protection.

According to an excellent piece in October, 1999's ABA Journal by Seattle author and attorney’s consultant, Deborah Arron, a recent Swedish longitudinal study found that those with high levels of stress and little support from family or friends were four times more likely to die within the next seven years as those with the same stresses but ample social support. Yet, as Arrons observed, “lawyers lead too often with their heads rather than their hearts, placing higher value on performance and productivity than on connection and intimacy.” The tendency of hard driving (and driven) attorneys to take their relationships for granted until they have been badly eroded is widely prevalent. What’s the answer then?

One obvious solution is to pay attention to our loving partnerships. In the words of psychologist and author, John McNeel, Ph.D., “love” is a verb - it’s not something you are “in,” it is something that you do....and the clearest way to demonstrate that love is to give your most valued and closely husbanded commodities - time and attention. As with every endeavor in our lives - from career pursuit to physical conditioning - the time and attention we devote to something reflects its importance to us and will be directly proportional to our level of achievement in that area.

Two of the best sets of suggestions for putting the idea of strengthening our relationships into action come from Deborah Arron (in the above-cited ABA Journal piece) and John Gottman, Ph.D., a Seattle psychologist and author. In his recent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman who has been studying marriage at the University of Washington for many years provides something of a primer on recognizing behaviors which are damaging to intimate connections and taking corrective action. Gottman provides some solid ideas (supported by a number of excellent exercises) for strengthening these bonds. They include:

	Develop and maintain a strong familiarity with (and therefor respect for) each other’s world. Gottman observed that in the strongest marriages, “They were in touch not just with the outlines of each other’s lives - their favorite hobbies, sports, and so on - but with each other’s deepest longings, beliefs, and fears. No matter how busy they were, they made each other their priority - always making sure they had time to catch up on each other’s day.”
	Nurture your fondness and admiration for each other. Many is the relationship that ran aground on the phrase, “He/she knows how I feel without my having to say it.” One problem with this approach is that we simply stop paying attention to our partner and what it is we like about them. The effort taken to wrest our attention from our worries and responsibilities and toward those specific things we appreciation or admire in our partner - and finding ways of expressing this fondness will pay off enormously when life becomes more challenging than we bargained for.
	Turn toward each other instead of away. As Gottman observed, “In marriage people periodically make what I call “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humor or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion and a good sex life.” Gottman finds enormous power in the day-to-day chit-chat between couples in which they are responding to each other in the simplest, least profound ways. These are the couples, Gottman finds, who are continually investing in the marriage’s “emotional bank account” as a protection against those stressful times mentioned earlier.

Other principles discussed by Gottman are Letting your partner influence you; Developing a method of solving your solvable problems and Creating shared meaning in your relationship. This last principle involves exploration of your shared dreams and values and creating a “culture” of your relationship and/or family.

A review of Deborah Arron’s suggestions for overcoming the “connection gaps” we lawyers may find in our relationships, demonstrates a striking similarity with Gottman’s principles. Arron concludes her article with ideas on steps lawyers can follow to “just be people.” These include: Put actions before words (“Prove your commitments to the ones you love by actions not words”); Practice listening; Develop respect; Make openness your policy; Honor feelings; Be honest and Make time for magic.

As lawyers, we must be ever mindful of the profession-wide tendency to dismiss material such as that presented here as “soft” or “touchy-feely.” Well-controlled research belies this notion, as Deborah Arron reminds us. She cites a study of Harvard graduates which reflected that those with the most stable marriages and the deepest friendships climbed farther up the career ladder. There is also very little dispute that stress responses (from depression to substance abuse) which are not mediated by strong interpersonal support are enormously costly both in terms of personal well-being and professional productivity.

So, in conclusion, I want to wish one and all a wonderful holiday season. May you be secure in the warmth and love of your loved ones and closest friends. For a surprise Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza gift, you may want to pick up the Gottman book and share some of the exercises with your partner. It’s guaranteed to strengthen your most important bond as we proceed into these uncertain times.

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